Why I took a month break from blogging and social media to navigate my passion for writing and my fear of "Adulting".
This is a different approach from my typical research articles and opinionated blogs that delve into the BDSM community as a whole. I tend to stray away from personal blogs as Kink_Chronicles was meant to focus on the overarching voices of marginalized identities and their lack of awareness and platform within the BDSM/Kink community. It was meant to address the various issues Black individuals face when entering the community for the first time or what it's like to have been in the community for years. And to educate and encourage conversations amongst like-minded peers about sex, health, fetishes, and kink and how it intersects with race, gender, etc. Debunking common misconceptions, fears and bringing light to the conversation rather than judgment and shaming certain aspects of the community. However, there are moments when I reference personal anecdotes and bits of my life in reference to my opinion on a topic. The reason I decided to avoid making this a personal blog, was simply I didn't feel I had enough interesting and consistent topics to talk about in relation to my life. And I didn't feel as though my life would be as relatable as many other black bloggers who have enormous followings for being #relatable. This, however, is when I noticed that I was falling victim to what many individuals become accustomed to when their hobbies or job is to showcase their thoughts and lives on a social media platform, imposter syndrome. For many, Imposter syndrome may have been that shadow lurking behind you during your college years or throughout highschool constantly gnawing at any positive thoughts about your growth, achievements and work ethic. Fear is the main component of Imposter syndrome, the fear, and disbelief that your achievements and your efforts are fraudulent. That you got "lucky" getting that job, or graduating from college and now that you're in the real world people will see that your luck is just that. And they'll expose you for this fictitious fear that you haven't truly earned your achievements or obtained that work ethic. The basis of my fear of post-grad life and traversing life in your twenties stems from my anxiety. And I feel like many can relate to that, that ever-growing anxiety towards the unknown while everyone else has it "together" or so it seems.
Social Media is the literal cesspool for Imposter Syndrome. For fear of the unknown, anxiety towards what the future brings and disbelief that your efforts are valid. It took me a whole month to justify coming back to my Blog just to write about such a heavy topic because it is what is affecting me on a daily basis. And in turn, has affected how much content I put out into the world if any at all. I believe that our fears and anxieties are simply growths that feed on the "What if's" of the mind. "What If my hobby becomes something I dislike and grow to hate". Or what if I simply lose passion for writing altogether. My main fear lies in what is every 20 something Adult's fear of not being able to choose a career, a job and simply not being able to survive. For the past few months, I have been vigorously job hunting and getting rejections in my email every few days if not weeks. I am constantly made to face whether my own adequacy is equated to my lack of experience and how to come to terms that the world is a competitive arena that perhaps I am not fit to fight in. As someone who grew up seeing my mother work two jobs her whole life to the point of utter exhaustion and sickness and still trying to work because we're in a situation that abhors low-income individuals of color. I can only feel afraid at what a possible future looks like for me when I haven't found work yet and my student loans are breathing down my back. For many, this is a relatable story of the horrors of growing up in poverty. Growing up thinking that a college degree will make you profitable only to realize that what makes you profitable is how you sell yourself and your experience. And then realizing, you never had that opportunity to network, and have various jobs because your life wasn't set up that way. So I am in a situation, where I and every other college graduate with a BA or BS is scrambling to survive in New York City. And that is the worst thing anyone could imagine.
As I write this, I understand the nuances of my situation and that there are so many people in similar or worse situations. And that I was capable of getting a higher education quicker than most, and that I can say I had luxuries others didn't when growing up. But for so many people to be struggling and barely surviving due to the same thing you would wonder why aide and help seem so unlikely.
Imposter Syndrome is a hidden monster, for creatives, creators, influencers, etc, It is a mind-numbing beast that drains you of any growth and feeds on stagnancy. In my experience, it has led me to come to multiple conclusions. One, that as much as I was pushing myself to write articles and push out long, interesting content around topics I figured were of main interest to many Black, Latinx, and POC individuals. I was losing what made writing to be fun, and was writing because I had to. Influencer culture makes it hard to distinguish between a passion project and the next business venture. And as much as I would like to be the next big blogger, I always used writing as an outlet for my emotions, my thoughts, and my life. And to put a price tag on it is what leads me to withdraw completely. Two, placing extreme deadlines on myself to churn out content when I am the leader of Team Procrastination was stupid of me and showcased what little knowledge I have of my own willpower and time management skills. And lastly, that I love writing about sex but sometimes I want to be more personal. For me, sex has been a huge component of my life both positively and negatively. And as much as I enjoy educating and discussing I also enjoy simply writing about my experiences. Kink_Chronicles, however, was not made with that intended purpose to be a personal blog. But, I plan to create more content that is personal because it is something I enjoy. So from now on, I will have days where I write Personal Blogs and other days where I curate my content to educate and start discussions. And I'll let y'all choose which interests you more.
Overall, this post was just a way to update that I am back. I am balancing my "adult" life and that I am going to be a lot more personal than before. And I hope you enjoy what comes next.
P.S: I know I was supposed to put up a post about Rope play that was a collab with an Influencer/Cosplayer who was interested in that topic and how it relates to Fatphobia.
I will be updating my blog with that post very soon. So look forward to that.
-Nye
Nye is a Black, Bisexual person who identifies as Non-Binary. Pronouns: They/Them/
They're an avid Kink enthusiast, Sex Positive Writer, and a Mental Health Advocate.
Along with writing about Intersectional identities in relation to Sex, Relationships and Love, they also run an account on Instagram called Kink_Chronicles.
That addresses the multiple intersections of race, gender identity, sexuality and its impact on the BDSM lifestyle.