"Rope bondage is bondage involving the use of rope to restrict movement, wrap, suspend, decorate, or restrain a person, as part of BDSM activities".-BDSM Wiki
It was a few years ago when I remember scrolling through Instagram to see a post of a girl, suspended in the air with a rope tied around her body in the most intricate pattern. It wasn't soon after I found myself knee-deep in posts on Shibari, Rope play and the intricate art and intense play that those in the Rope community were so fond of. The idea of rope being tied around your arms, legs and the entirety of your body is suffocating for a few people and in some cases is reminiscent of the damsel in distress archetype always being bound, tied up and left to her fate while her savior is on his way to save her. For many, this may bring back images from your childhood of Daphne, Princess Peach or the latter.
Rope play is a topic few mentions but hears about a lot when referencing BDSM specifically the
B in BDSM refers to Bondage. A sexual practice revolving around tying up one's partner or in some cases physically binding them using items like bondage rope, tape, cuffs, gags, restraints, spreaders/yokes, binders, etc, However, in terms of mainstream BDSM, we'll focus on the most commonly used item which is bondage rope. Typically, the concept of binding one's self or being bound and unable to move is usually geared towards suspense thrillers and the horror genre. And our minds usually go to discomfort, claustrophobia, and fear. However, one thing people never associate with bondage is pleasure. Yet rope play brings forth our expectations of what it is and warps it completely by being a practice that demonstrates way more benefits than cons.
So, why exactly is this topic something I want to discuss?
Well, I recently was scrolling through Instagram, when I came across a Cosplayer I follow named @Jazpinkypromise. She had posted on her story about the racial discrimination and fatphobia that came with being a Black rope bottom who is plus-size. Along with her disdain towards the Rope play community who aren't ready to talk about these issues openly and have a discussion geared around these topics. I found that this topic was something I had an interest in as someone who has dabbled in Bondage play typically with handcuffs and velcro cuffs, but like many having seen the mainstream rope play community and being mesmerized by what the "Ideal" and "Expectation" was versus the reality. I openly messaged Jazmine and decided to write this article with her opinions and perspective on the Rope play community as a Black Rope bottom. And to discuss what the issues are from a Black individual's perspective and how the communities within the BDSM scene can work to be more aware of the discrimination and create more inclusive spaces for Black individuals who don't fit the "ideal" body type i.e slender, thin and are fat, curvy, chubby, etc.
1. What led to your interest in rope play? What made it stand out to you more than anything else in the BDSM community?
"My interest from rope came from a photograph I saw in an art museum 5 years ago in Belvoir Missouri. It showed a young lady in a simple suspension and she looked so peaceful. I had a discussion with a fellow patron where he felt like this wasn’t art and the artist wasn’t expressing anything. As I thought to myself about his comment I was inclined to disagree. Not only was the artist expressing himself, but the beautiful model was also expressing her release of emotions. I resonated with this. I wanted that same feeling of expression. I returned home from vacation and began my search in the entire BDSM culture and Japanese rope. I came to find out that I was already in the community with my sexual experiences and likings. Though at the time I didn’t call them fetishes because of my lack of knowledge."
"Rope to me was the biggest oxymoron to me. Although we are bounded, restrained, and a lot of time restricted; I felt the freest and noticed. It made me feel like through the physical pain I was tuning into my emotional wants. I was able to shut out all other tangible feelings and hone in on things of the mind."- @Jazpinkypromise
The idea that being bound and restrained could resonate and lead to feelings of freedom. And the awareness it brings to one's body and one's self is a very common reason behind why people navigate to the rope community. For some women, rope play has taken on the stance of empowerment. An artistic expression that demonstrates what contemporary feminism means in this age. There's an increase of women and nonbinary folx baring their skin to the world and posting nude photography on social media platforms with the desire to own their sexuality and their bodies and fight against the male sexual gaze, patriarchal oppressive systems and empower others.
The show, Everything I see, I swallow is one example of the many showcases that express this view of empowerment and autonomy through aerialism and the art of shibari ( Japanese rope bondage).
One thing to stand out to me was Tayor's anecdote over being told how pretty she was and her dissociation from that concept of beauty and how it didn't represent her fully as a person. And because of her resentment towards the idea of beauty, she began to dissociate from her body. Rope play allowed her to reconnect to her body and was essential to giving up that control(Winship, 2019). Shibari and rope play was a way for her to find solace in her body and in her autonomy. And gave her freedom in expression artistically and sexually.
"I was trying to explore why people have such strong views on women in sex work and women posting nude photos online. And whether that behaviour can be empowered or whether it’s always part of the problem.”-Maisy Taylor,(Winship, 2019)
Shibari and rope play seem to have this impact on people. Whether it revolves around resolving trauma or dismantling the social institutions we've had in place for generations, it manages to affect people in a monumental way. The co-founders of the London Bondage festival Bruce and Nina, even agree that bondage has a significant impact on personal growth and can be quite therapeutic(Walsh, 2015).
"Some people say it has a meditative effect,” Bruce says. “It silences the chatter of every day.”
Psychologists have even acknowledged how useful BDSM is in relation to healing trauma, and respective mental disorders. There is a huge psychological component to rope bondage, as it offers security, power exchange, expiation of guilt, erotic effects, meditation/relaxation, beauty, fetish play, and S&M play(ESINEM, 2020).
As someone with anxiety, bondage personally in my experience can be equated to a "hug" of sorts. A restriction of all my pent up fears and worries, and rope play gave me the ability to release all of that once I physically was untied or unbound. Rope bondage was a metaphorical and literal way of releasing all my worries. Similarly, I am not the only one who feels this way about rope bondage(Duncan, 2019).
Body positivity is encouraged with rope play as well, for Rachel Hope who is a plus-sized rope bunny her involvement in the rope community is a way for her to nurture and promote body positivity. It allows space and room for other plus size and fat folx to find inspiration and representation within the community(Hope, 2019).
With so many various benefits from rope play, how does one navigate the community or any community in the BDSM scene for that matter?
It's not that easy, for Black folx entering the scene they face a lot of prejudice, ignorance and a lack of awareness towards inclusion especially in niches like the Rope play community.
My first foray into the BDSM community was one of a lot of confusion, and research but also a lot of isolation and lack of representation. I found that most of my information was written by and for White people who were in the scene and were exploring their identities and interests openly. But as someone who grew up in the Black community and was taught shame around sex as I mentioned in my first blog post on the Black sheep of BDSM. It was hard for me to escape my closeted view of what sex was, and not seeing people of my race/ ethnicity discuss or be apart of the BDSM scene as openly made it harder for me to feel comfortable and made it harder to find a space I felt I could fit into. Because of this black people tend to have a difficult time being engaged in the BDSM scene and finding spaces they feel included in. Especially with the various racial fetishes and the heavy racially charged undertones that tie into BDSM, race play and the Master/Slave dynamic(Malbroux, 2016).
The lack of awareness towards Black people in the community is very noticeable even with the growth we've made in advocating for Black and Latinx spaces and inclusivity in munches, play parties and the like. Jazmine makes a similar distinction for how hard it is for Black people to navigate the BDSM community and the Rope Play community. And discusses what she believes are the biggest issues within the rope play community.
2. What do you think are the biggest issues in the rope play community?
"The biggest issues that I’ve seen in the rope community is the lack of colored and non-slender
representation."
"I can’t tell you how many times I’ve met eager and committed bottoms that would love to work with riggers but because they don’t fit into their “image” of their norm they are turned away. Giving excuses for needing more training or busy schedules. It started to become a trend making it hard to believe it was the truth."
-@Jazpinkypromise
A lot of the issues relate to the image and the expectations of what the BDSM scene has been considered for years which was primarily, "White, Cisgender, Able-bodied" and anything that wasn't that was to be avoided. This meant many Black and POC folx were excluded and had to find solace and comradery in their own spaces due to this discrimination. A lot of this is due to a lack of representation of actual people in the scene rather than the small percentage that fits into what is deemed the "norm".
3. In what ways have you seen your race affect how you interact with others in the community/ how you navigate spaces within the community?
"I need those reading this to understand my opinion on how I’ve been affected by my own race in
the rope community is simply from my experience alone. Where others may have had a different
experience. I follow and admire many black people in the rope community. I’ve also had many
conversations with them. "
"However, I see and hear a lot of talk of “we need to make the rope community better for other black people” but they are only geared towards the already in the scene folk. I don’t see anybody helping the beginners, the I’m just starting out, the I’m reaching out for help group."
-@Jazpinkypromise
" I want to believe that we should all stick together but of course, like any
organization, there is always division in a community. Whether it be from class or popularity."
This is a case of favoritism and privilege in a variety of groups. In some cases, there are those that have gotten to the point where they are well known and can create and build access for others yet don't or aren't interested in the work to do so. Everyone has this idea of, "Every person for themselves." If this individual has to struggle then everyone else has to as well and get themselves out of it, as they did. But that's not a realistic approach for everybody and the ideal is that we navigate these spaces and then pass on our knowledge and create simpler pathways for others within the community to use to avoid them having to struggle. Rather than allowing stagnancy and the ignorance to remain, making sure the entire Black, Latinx and POC community are able to flourish as a whole within the BDSM scene should be the goal. But as of currently, novices to the scene have a lack of knowledge, access, and representation and don't get the helping hand or mentorship that we should be giving.
The lack of representation in the BDSM scene has opened up the discussion of body positivity and fat-shaming within multiple facets of the community. This is a prominent issue, in the rope play and bondage scene. Body type plays a significant role in the rope play scene, and representation is key. When google searching bondage and rope play we typically see the same results, slim, young, flexible cis women. Stella Harris notes that this fails to represent the large portion of bodies and identities that don't fit into that category. Rope bondage is customizable and can be fun and explorative for individuals of any size, gender, race, and ability. BDSM is noted to be a huge proprietor for communication and clear boundaries. With rope play, communication is as much a priority for bigger bodies and disabled bodies. Patience and communication are key to a successful scene with various body types.
"Just going into a bondage scene treating [every] body as unique and individual, with varying abilities that you must curate the scene for, is the secret to my success.”-Jenn, Rope Top (Harris, 2020)
Fatphobia and Fat shaming are prime examples of discrimination towards body type and size.
Our society currently has taken a varied stance on how we address weight, and what body positivity actually stands for in the grand scheme of things. And with this constant surveillance of our bodies, we become infatuated with how we look and how others perceive us. One example of this is people with bigger bodies being afraid of taking up space in fear of bothering, and burdening others. Typically the phrase, "Am I hurting you." comes to mind immediately when it relates to bigger individuals engaging in sexual activity. There have been many times I've been worried about just sitting on someone's lap because I'm not thin and worried that my weight might hurt the person. Or when I used to have an FWB relationship with a close friend of mine who was a dancer it startled me that he was so adamant about picking me up and swinging me around or carrying me. My weight was a consistent issue in the back of my mind that would determine my worth in other's eyes. And ultimately whether I deserved, relationships, friendships or even the normal interactions that thinner people and people who were an ideal weight had on a daily basis.
When engaging in sexual relationships with others, that fear and constant shame towards one's body are reciprocated throughout all of society and internalized by one's self. And that makes it harder to engage in comfortable and safe relationships with others because we spend most if not all the time navigating how our appearance will affect our social interactions. How we navigate attraction and interpersonal beauty standards depends on us and our general relationships with others. The attraction is based on the individual's perception and differs for everyone so weight being a "preference" and a reason to shame and avoid others becomes an issue when it leads to disrespect and hatred towards a group of people who are simply existing. Fatphobia is a branch of a way larger issue relating to conventional beauty standards and the overt push and pull of the health and wellness industry that would rather sell you lies then sell you true confidence in yourself.
"I’m fat, I’m fabulous, but I’m not your fetish."-(Schoenwald, 2020)
With the societal pressure and internalized shame, however, comes an even more complex relationship relating weight and fatphobia to fetishization. The fetishization of bigger women and the sexualization of them (i.e chasers and feedees). Controlling one’s intake through power exchange plays a role in how people in the BDSM community view fat people as either commodity for their own pleasure, as someone to control or as individuals to isolate/ not engage with. These three different perspectives all revolve around the desire to control and monitor people's weight and judge them and overall ties back into autonomy and how people feel the need to control other's bodies to fit their expectations. The use of humiliating and degrading language (which can be a kink for some) reinforces the shame and societal disdain towards fat people. As well as the using of the person's body and changing or altering it for sexual gratification is what is significantly wrong with this concept. The idea that fat people aren't individuals and aren't really seen as people in the way others view them outside of pleasure/fetishization or being a "before" picture or even outside of just their existence. There is always someone expecting them to change, be someone they're not or fit within societal norms.
The BDSM community is no stranger to this desire to fit everyone into boxes, however, for fat people and plus size individuals' navigating the scene can bring a different kind of anxiety.
"The rope people claim to need slender models because it is easier to work with them. You also hear it is tougher to find fat demo models because they are less likely to volunteer. The bondage gear people hide behind the “equipment limitation” issue."(Williams, 2009)
For some Black Fat Femmes like Williams, who are looking to test out being a rope bottom or engaging in play scenes, that discrimination is extremely common. Even through posting's on Fet Life you can see how common it is that people ask for thinner and smaller people to engage in scenes with and to teach people. Yet this leaves out a large group of people who don't fit into that box and are left to not only figure it out for themselves but are in turn isolated and denied information or knowledge because of their size.
Being Black and fat in the BDSM community leaves little room to navigate and find what works for you when everyone else is too busy creating the picturesque mainstream idea of what BDSM is versus what the reality is. Black women who are fat are under constant judgment in every industry imaginable whether it be the health industry, the beauty industry, etc. And the kink scene reinforces those industries by not showing up for Black people and giving more representation of all types of people and all bodies being into BDSM and into the kink lifestyle.
What needs to be addressed is how Black fat people navigate these scenes and make sure to reinforce a sense of safety and comradery for other Black folx who don't feel they fit into the rest of the scene, and are facing discrimination.
4. Have you had to deal with fatphobia, and body shaming in these spaces within the community? How did you face these issues when involving yourself in the community?
"I have dealt with fat shaming in the community. It’s EXTREMELY difficult. Not only does it makes me feel discomfort in my own body but it diminishes any confidence that I have when speaking to others. And trust me, I’m an overly confident person. This just shows the massive impact it has on my feels. I face these issues by taking a moment to step back and tell MYSELF that their phobias and small-minded opinion shouldn’t have an effect on me because I know all that I have to offer and who I am as a person. I still struggle with reaching out to riggers and building that connection that I aspire from the dynamic team of being a bottom."-@Jazpinkypromise
How can we spread more awareness towards the plight Black folx face in the subtypes that exist in the BDSM community?
1. I'd say using social media as the huge platform it is. Taking advantage of constant communication and having access to so many people and different opinions. I believe that this can be a huge resource for many who are already utilizing it to spread body positivity and more information about fatphobia/ fat-shaming, and how to be more confident with your body, how to navigate spaces and create your own space when there aren't any that represent you.
2. Consistent discussion and conversation on the topic are also key, making spaces like Kink_Chronicles to discuss why this is an issue and shedding more light on the divisive nature of the community can bring people closer and get more people on board to fight the oppressive system. This can also be inspiring for others to be their own representation and showcase their thoughts on the issue and in turn inspire others.
3. Spreading awareness of Black fat bodies and the normalization of their existence in art, media, sex, fashion, beauty, health, etc. To create spaces for fat folx to talk about their experiences and allow them space to express themselves and showcase that their weight should not be the first and only thing we see about them but who they are as individuals, as people matter's more. And that you can be fat and be a model, and be healthy, and be a source of artistic expression or exist in sex scenes and be sexually desired. That your weight does not equate to your worth as a person.
What action can we take to address the lack of diversity/ division within the community?
1. Follow and support Plus size/Larger/Fat Black folx 2. Those with bigger platforms need to spread awareness to their audience/Bring focus to the smaller pages that are working to spread the news
3. Act against oppressive systems I.e diet culture, fitspo/thinspo, etc., body shaming and body-positive culture that isn’t inclusive to Fat people: Plus size, "curvy/thick", etc.
4. Educate people about health at all sizes, how weight doesn’t equate to less respect, and how the medical / health industry profits off of fatphobia and our body/appearance-obsessed culture
How can we show up/support Black folx who are Fat in the Rope community?
1. Create more spaces where Black folx who are fat can exist freely
2. Demonstrate that weight does not affect rope play and that rope play is for everyone regardless of their body and race
3. Support black fat rope teachers, rope artists, fat people who are in the role play community, support their hobbies, work, etc.
My last two questions to Jazmine:
5. With the current age of “Diversity/Inclusion” becoming a huge factor into why people are bringing up topics like BDSM and encouraging open talks about sex, what would you say has changed if at all in the rope play community versus in the past when diversity wasn’t as encouraged or wasn’t really a focus? If nothing has changed, where would you want to see more action/change happen?
"In the past 5 years, I’ve seen a lot of change with the entire BDSM community, especially in the
rope community. Major changes have come from social media and linking sites like Fetlife. We
are exposed to more visuals which leads to asking more questions. We in the community have
expanded and there are more people like myself who want people to be more vocal in the rope
community about their wants and needs and sex in general. Segway conversations into the
BDSM community is really thriving and it’s encouraging. I have fallen in love with the fact that
throughout the age ranges and genders and involvement reasonings we all have that point
where we can find that outlet alongside one another.
Although there is more change I would like to see. I would like to see those with a larger fan
base or wide reach to use their platform to bring more awareness to the issues that are
hindering the community from thriving to its full peak. Each community is only as happy as it’s least happy member. Putting aside the differences in size, age, gender, orientation,
amongst other factors would be the lighting that sparks the fire of an excelling community."
6.Any advice you would give towards Black individuals who are interested in Rope play and want to be involved in that community?
"The number one rule I would give myself or anybody is to always stay true to yourself. Speak up
when you have discretion. Ask questions. What I found myself doing in my earlier years is just
following along and agreeing because I felt “ they knew better than I did”. Things I didn’t feel
comfortable with or knew much about I was just agreeing with and learning to follow. I would
also tell my black peers to not seek validation from anybody but yourself. "
"When joining the community know that you aren’t alone and that there is always somebody who is a light ofpositivity but FIRST you must become that light yourself. Continue the cycle."-@Jazpinkypromise
I'll leave this last quote, to sum up, what I feel everyone should take home from this article.
"I’m just fat.
And I want to be seen.
I don’t want to be fetishized for being fat. I don’t want to be beautiful in spite of being fat. I don’t want to be beautiful because I am fat."
-Mollena Williams; The Perverted Negress
P.S: I want to thank Jazmine: @Jazpinkypromise for being an amazing collaborator and being so open and honest with her answers to these questions. I feel like her perspective definitely made the article so much more personal and relatable for a lot of Black folx who are navigating these spaces in the BDSM community and unsure how to handle or face things like fatphobia and body shaming because it's such an immense part of our society and is definitely something we need to discuss and bring more focus to. So once again, thank you for the collaboration. And I hope to work on more articles and thought pieces with you in the future.
References:
Christman, E. (2020). A Fat Girl’s Guide to Navigating the World of Kink. [online] Medium. Available at: https://medium.com/fearless-she-wrote/a-fat-girls-guide-to-navigating-the-world-of-kink-27595f935831
Duncan, T. (2019). The Relationship Between Rope Bondage and Mental Health. [online] Vice. Available at: https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/9kx9y5/i-tried-rope-bondage-as-a-coping-mechanism-for-my-anxiety
ESINEM. (2020). Psychology of Bondage: Why do people do it? - ESINEM. [online] Available at: https://esinem.com/articles/other/psychology-of-bondage-why-do-people-do-it
Harris, S. (2020). Bondage for All Bodies. [online] Kinkly.com. Available at: https://www.kinkly.com/bondage-for-all-bodies/2/14954
Hope, R. (2019). Why I Fell In Love With Being Bound. [online] Medium. Available at: https://medium.com/pulpmag/why-i-fell-in-love-with-being-bound-a5bf016ee0ae
Malbroux, L. (2016). When You Want to Be Into BDSM But It's Too Soon Because You're Black. [online] Splinter. Available at: https://splinternews.com/when-you-want-to-be-into-bdsm-but-its-too-soon-because-1793855556
Walsh, J. (2015). An extremely descriptive couple explains their penchant for bondage. [online] The Independent. Available at: https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/features/fifty-shades-of-grey-bondage-and-sm-sex-in-relationships-10036644.html
Williams, M. and Williams, M. (2009). HNT ~ Loving Myself.. [online] The Perverted Negress. Available at: http://www.mollena.com/2009/04/hnt-loving-myself/
Winship, L. (2019). 'We need to normalize sexual desire': can a rope bondage show empower women?. [online] the Guardian. Available at: https://www.theguardian.com/stage/2019/oct/07/empower-women-everything-i-see-i-swallow-shibari.
Schoenwald, C. (2020). Christine Schoenwald, Author at SHE'SAID'. [online] SHE'SAID'. Available at: https://shesaid.com/author/christineschoenwald/
Nye is a Black, Bisexual person who identifies as Non-Binary. Pronouns: They/Them/
They're an avid Kink enthusiast, Sex Positive Writer, and a Mental Health Advocate.
Along with writing about Intersectional identities in relation to Sex, Relationships, and Love, they also run an account on Instagram called Kink_Chronicles.
That addresses the multiple intersections of race, gender identity, sexuality and its impact on the BDSM lifestyle.