It's midnight and you're on your fifth Buzzfeed article, you told yourself you don't have a problem but find your eyes gravitating to an all familiar sight. At the forefront of the article in big bold letters you see, " Five Tips on How to Attract your Soulmate". You unironically laugh, yet end up scrolling immediately along the page to tip one. Right below it is a picture of the ideal beauty, maybe she's blonde or brunette, dark brown or light blue eyes and she definitely isn't your complexion. She's lithe, her skin is clear and blemish free and you're quite sure (definitely sure) she's photoshopped. Yet you find yourself feeling a bit weary, your once comfortable pajamas feel tight and suffocating. Your eyes glance over your skin and you start to notice the discoloration and the birthmark on your right hand. It's so noticable.. And right in the corner of your eye, is that goosebumps from the cold air or a pimple? You remind yourself that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that you're fine as you are. But that nagging feeling remains a constant worry in the back of your mind. As you run your daily errands, as you scroll through Instagram and Twitter, as you interact with people throughout the day. You constantly keep in mind, your appearance and how you look to others.
In this society, we are in a constant war between societal beauty standards and our natural beauty and body image. We are in a state of hyperawareness when it relates to our physical appearance. Our skin, nails and hair are factors that have made the Beauty industry an immense amount of profit and have created a void of standards for beauty and attraction. We even have influencers and consultants who encourage and advise us on what we need to focus our maintenance and time on to achieve this standard. However, we don't fully address how beauty and attraction play a role in our social interactions sexually. There are brief conversations about whether you need to be physically attracted to someone to feel a connection or want a relationship with them. But we never address whether those who are not seen as beautiful by societal standards face similar issues when discussing sexual attraction and intimacy.
"What is sexual intimacy like for those who are not conventionally attractive?"
-Nye
What is attraction/What does it mean to be attractive?
According to Merriam-Webster, the definition of attractive is arousing interest or pleasure.
When most people think of attractive in relation to others the primary focus tends to be on one's looks and physical attributes. How attracted we are to someone leads us to pursue someone sexually or it "arouses our interest". Whether we decide to have a sexually based relationship with them or lead to something more is partly based on our sexual attraction towards them.
This is not to count out those who may have little to no sexual attraction towards other at all however (i.e Asexual individual's) as attraction is on a spectrum. And how we interact varies on the level of intimacy and vulnerability we feel we can have with another person.
In current media, capitalizing off of unconventional beauty has become a staple for conventional beauty norms. Where people now are painting freckles on their face in their makeup routines and using instagram filters, at one point having freckles weren't considered conventionally beautiful. In 2015, People would draw freckles,unibrows,acne,etc. onto their faces and then they would wipe them off to reveal what's underneath. A parody of what once started as an uproaring stand against society's expectations of beauty, by beauty blogger Em Ford(Linshi 2015) . She wiped off her makeup to reveal her skin with acne, and encouraged people to accept themselves flaws and all. Yet this only lead to people everywhere parodying her video with the opposite message during the #DontJudgeChallenge. Reinforcing the idea of negative body image.
Society's view of beauty has changed immensely throughout the years. Affecting our perception of body image towards ourself and other's , how we view our body plays an important role in relationships and friendships. Whether we see ourselves and others as attractive can affect self esteem, encourage insecurities and falsified delusions of what we should be rather than who we are. In some cases this can create a disconnect between how we view ourselves and how we believe other's view us. Body dysmorphia is one example of this, we become so focused on percieved flaws in appearance that we become obsessed. To the point we may feel extremely embarrassed, ashamed and anxious that we avoid many social situations. This and other things like trauma can lead to decreased intimacy in relationships, partner/friendships and general interactions.
With such immense problems related to a negative body image and obsession over beauty.
Why hasn't Unconventional Beauty Standards become a Societal norm?
With people like Slick Woods who was praised for her,
"Eccentric looks and for defying Eurocentric Beauty Standards"-Alexis Tatum; The Daily Dot
And Shalom Blac, a Nigerian Burn survivor who's use of makeup and beauty tactics has given her a newfound identity beyond being just a survivor. Allowing her to create a genuine connection through her work as a Beauty Blogger and Youtuber. Even inspiring millions of people to accept their scars and utilize makeup in a creative and empowering way (Lubitz 2018).
Why hasn't society accepted that skin discoloration,scars, eczema/dermatitis, acne,stretchmarks etc are just references of living?
Why hasn't society considered these things to be staples for Unconventional Beauty and therefore, "Beautiful" because it goes against the grain?
Why are skin issues like: Acne,eczema,discoloration,stretchmarks etc not liked by society?
To put it simply because, its not attractive. At least not to conventional society anyway.
There's the idea that biologically we're attracted to smooth skin because it represents health and youth, typically that the person is healthy and young i.e fertile. There's also an expectation that morality and attraction equate to one another. Beautiful people are typically the heroes, the princesses, the "Good" Guys. While people with worts like witches, scars like pirates, or the conventional villian who has physical attributes that differ from the norm are seen as evil or "Bad". Although conventionally beautiful people can be morally corrupt and unconventionally beautiful people can be the most morally just people you ever meet.
(Roald Dahl, "The Twits")
Personally, as someone with severe eczema and a past history of trauma, negative body image, the list goes on. I'm hyperaware of my skin condition and when facing the real world, I find myself covering up and being extremely self conscious. I go outside with makeup on to cover up the eczema, that at this point has found a home on my eyelids or my legs which has taken the brunt of the condition. For many people, rarely seeing people with skin like yours' being shown in normal occurences like pictures with friends or simply when you're existing in a moment can be disheartening. Especially when you know that most people don't have picture perfect skin. And seeing social media display the ideal of smooth skin equating to health when some people simply just have skin issues and that's their norm can lead to alot of self hate and disdain towards something you have no control over.
Me, writing this was not only to showcase representation for people who have skin issues like I do. But also to bring light to an issue that I feel doesn't typically get discussed on this platform.
I've had many moments where being sexually intimate with my partner seemed more like a horror movie than an enjoying pleasurable moment. For some people, feeling comfortable enough to show your skin: acne, discoloration, dry patches and all can consist of extreme vulnerability and for some of us who's body image is tied to our worth it can be painful to feel like your partner may not find you attractive because you simply don't fit the expectation of what attractive is.
You may find yourself hesistant to explore touching, or doing sexual acts. Even being nude can make you anxious and if you find yourself in that tunnel that's OKAY. No one is saying you have to navigate those thoughts and fears alone.
Here's my Five Tips on how to Navigate Sexual Intimacy when facing Unconventional Beauty Standards:
I. Communication is "Key"
Communication is the base for any stable building block relationship. It allows us to navigate conversation with our partner, leaving no room for miscommunication. Clearly and conscisely demonstrating what we desire and want from our interactions with our partner can be the difference between a comfortable situation and an uncomfortable one. Even non verbal communication is necessary when discussing what we enjoy in an intimate moment and how we would best feel "loved" or shown "love" through our partner's actions,words etc.
So be clear with boundaries, and what you desire from the moment whether that simply be more understanding and awareness of your condition or more focus on your anxieties about your physical attributes and how your partner can put your pleasure and comfort first by going at your pace.
II. Physical interaction/Physical Connection:
Stimulating Touch/Affectionate Touch
When navigating physical interactions be aware of how you prefer to be engaged with physically.
Having a past history of trauma I know that certain touching can be a trigger for people, and that in my case sometimes I can be set off by non consensual touching such as: random brushing against the neck or thigh, sporadic kisses along the body without asking first, tugging or forcing limbs apart etc. for many people stating what is an okay way to touch someone and what isn't can be the difference between a consensual fun time and the latter. Making sure any touching is consented to before it happens is key.
Physical connection tends to tie into this as well, as individuals can create strong bonds through intimate touch. Utilizing stimulation through the senses can be a huge component to this, stimulating touch can ignite the senses and allow for a pleasurable and vulnerable connection if done with the pleasure of both parties in mind. And with the intent to bring comfort and a sense of excitement.
Typically when I think of this I think of kinks like Sensation play and Wax play. Utilizing hot wax or cold ice to evoke pleasure, or in some cases pain (depending on the sadist/masochist). Using feathers, and other objects to invoke feelings outside of the normal expectations can not only be a great way to experiment with your partner but create a stronger physical connection through touch and vulnerability.
*Sometimes sensation play can be done while one partner is blindfolded which can enhance the session.
Affectionate touch is also a component to keep in mind. The caressing, gentle touching that could be either hugging, cuddling, hand holding, etc. Can reinforce the idea of love and caring and showing that love and care towards one's body.
III. Emotional Interaction/Connection
Now that we've addressed the physical, let's focus on my favorite part the emotional interaction.
Navigating how we feel about people can be a maze. As humans, we are prone to emotional outbursts and thinking with our hearts from time to time. Although we may say we use logic as our primary way of thinking we all know that's not true.
We experience so many different emotions, how can we be sure we know what we want emotionally in a connection. Well it takes a bit of communication and vulnerability to determine what we need emotionally not just from our partner's, but from ourselves. Addressing you might need more verbal/non verbal declarations of love and positive affirmations can be one thing you place at the top of your list of desires. Or, deciding you need to do one thing for yourself that doesn't tie into a physical attribute about yourself that you feel worry or disdain towards.
Like instead of getting your nails done because you're worried they're too thin or going shopping for creams to get rid of your stretch marks, perhaps focus on going to a spa with your partner to encourage more comfort and love towards eachother's bodies by pampering and gifting care rather than engaging out of negativity. One key thing I would suggest, if the self hatred and negativity becomes overwhelming, therapy is a great resource to access. Disccusing how we feel in an open manner with someone who validates our thoughts and feelings can be freeing. Sometimes the worst of our thoughts are actually our fears, rather than our actual thoughts, which can be rather comforting to know. Even engaging in couples therapy can be an experience to allow for more emotional vulnerability and connection.
IV. Compassion/Understanding
I mentioned earlier, being compassionate and understanding can be a huge factor in creating better intimacy between you and your partner. Having compassion for your partner and understanding how they feel towards their own body can be extremely fufilling for both sides.
Your partner has the ability to soothe and showcase care or affection in a way that can be nurturing of past trauma and fufilling of present needs. By addressing, your "love" language and how you prefer to be loved your partner and vice versa can express these desires in a concise way.
If putting more focus on your physical attributes is what makes you anxious, your partner has the ability to shine more focus on other attributes beyond your physical that they find compelling. And even express care and warmth towards the parts of you,you may not be too fond of. Because they, unlike you aren't seeing you through the same lens you view yourself through daily. And can understand your pain and fears and sympathize with it but also demonstrate that you don't have anything to fear by disproving your anxieties through compassionate gestures.
V. Expressing other forms of Intimacy
"People can have sex without intimacy I.e one night stands, FWB, sex w/o love."- Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.
Merriam-Webster defines Intimacy as a feeling of familiarity with another person, specifically engaging with someone in a personal or private way. Intimacy typically entails a sense of vulnerability, there are various types of intimacy. Sexual intmacy, emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy and experential intimacy (Goodtherapy.org, 2019).
Experiential Intimacy: When people bond during leisure activities.
When people bond over hobbies or interests it can be both fun and give a sense of vulnerability to share what you enjoy personally and participate in these activities with someone you're close to.
Emotional Intimacy: When people feel safe sharing their feelings with each other, even uncomfortable ones.
This is typically seen when people discuss their feelings and create space for others to express their emotions without invalidation/judgement.
Intellectual Intimacy: When people feel comfortable sharing ideas and opinions, even when they disagree.
Allowing yourself to have debates or engage in conversation over one's thoughts and opinions can be extremely validating when it doesn't involve chastising other's for their thoughts and opinions and/or gatekeeping certain ideas,groups and belief's.
Exploring different types of intimacy with your partner can be something you do in your free time, if sexual intimacy isn't something you feel up to doing or something you can't engage in yet.
Overall, conventional beauty is an excessive expectation held by society to encourage conventionally beautiful people to put their physical attributes on a pedastal. And to discourage those with unconventional beauty to take up less space. However, with the immense growth and change within the Beauty community that has highlighted non-traditional beauty. And has created unconventional standards of beauty that has traversed gender roles, left us to question how weight equates to beauty and showcased that beauty is beyond skin. We may be in for a surprise for how the future of the beauty industry capitalizes off of this new found inclusion/diversity.
I'll leave you with this, you may not find your scars beautiful. You may not find empowerment in your stretch marks, or strength in your acne or eczema. And you don't have to be overtly positive about your body image and fall in love with your body at first glance. But learning to prioritize comfort, accessibility and compassion when engaging in intimate relationships is important.
You can decide your body deserves to be comfortable, deserves to have accessibility and easier access to movement, you can see your body in a mirror and be aware of its existence and how much it does for you. And you can marvel in how it changes with time, and decide its beautiful in its own right.
It may start with you.
But the beauty industry has a ways to go.
References:
Hartwell-Walker, Marie. “The What and How of True Intimacy.” Psych Central, 8 Oct. 2018, psychcentral.com/lib/the-what-and-how-of-true-intimacy/. Linshi, Jack. “Don't Judge Challenge: Instagram Trend on Body Shaming Backfires.” Time, Time, 8 July 2015, time.com/3948968/dont-judge-challenge/.
Lubitz, Rachel. “How I Found An Identity Beyond My Burn Scars.” Shalom Blac Shows Her Burn Scars -Celebrates Her Beauty, Refinery, 27 Aug. 2018, www.refinery29.com/en-us/shalom-blac-burn-scar-survivor-nigerian-beauty. Tatum, Alexis. “People on Twitter Argue Whether Model Slick Woods Is 'Ugly'.” The Daily Dot, The Daily Dot, 24 Sept. 2018, www.dailydot.com/upstream/slick-woods-twitter-beauty/.
“What Is Intimacy?” GoodTherapy.org Therapy Blog, 14 May 2019, www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/intimacy.
Nye is a Black, Bisexual person who identifies as Non-Binary.
Pronouns: They/Them/
They're an avid Kink enthusiast, Sex Positive Writer, and a Mental Health Advocate.
Along with writing about
Intersectional identities in relation to
Sex, Relationships and Love, they also
run an account on Instagram called
Kink_Chronicles which addresses the multiple intersections of race, gender identity, sexuality and its impact on the BDSM lifestyle.