BDSM has become the pinnacle of current culture since 50 shades of Grey (a false and abusive depiction of a Dominance/Submissive dynamic) and various other documentation about kink lifestyle have appeared in our daily conversations. A lot of our culture has utilized BDSM and Kink lifestyle to further pop culture and mainstream media.
Whether its been through jokes and memes revolving around phrases like “Choke me Daddy” or the increase in shows like Bonding on Netflix.
BDSM has become more talked about the topic throughout the decade. And has led many within the lifestyle to spread awareness through social media and increase engagement throughout their online communities.
With so many people looking to experiment and try out new things in the bedroom, you’d think that the BDSM community overall is experiencing a positive period after facing a lot of disdain, hate and confusion for years being equated to “perversion” and at some point having a place of its own in the DSM(Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders).
Source: Donnie & Lela Hughes-Rice (1999)
Although BDSM and the kink lifestyle are receiving a lot of positive attention, in some cases there are still issues within the community that isn’t being addressed. And with the influx of novices and new people looking to understand their interests and navigate these spaces within the community, these problems can’t afford to be overlooked.
Let’s address the Black Sheep of the BDSM community.
The Black Sheep of BDSM
According to Webster, a black sheep is defined as a member of a family or group who is regarded as a disgrace to them (i.e" the black sheep of the family"). BDSM has many black sheep that aren’t addressed such as the issues with minors in the DDLG community and ABDL community, the untouched fetishization of certain body types and racial groups and the fake Dominant’s who believe that simply spanking and verbally abusing someone equates to actual Dominance the list goes on. However, the topic I am addressing today is the lack of racial representation within the community. And the lack of Black and Latinx voices within the BDSM and kink community.
With BDSM becoming such a popular cultural phenomenon and being addressed so frequently in mainstream media, rare glimpses of Black and Latinx individuals are carving spaces and becoming vocal in places where they weren’t as frequently shown. People like The Chocolate Domme LLC who has gone viral and Venus Cuffs who has been frequently spoken about in articles online are showing up and normalizing BDSM and kink as something that Black people can enjoy and be apart of. However, with this only recently becoming a thing and with these individuals not being able to address all the issues within the community.
There comes a point where we have to ask, Why isn’t there as a big representation of Black, Latinx and POC voices in the BDSM community and why aren’t they getting more awareness? Where are the spaces for these individuals at play parties and munches? And what can we do to bring these unheard voices to the spotlight?
Well, we have to start at the beginning, by asking:
What does it mean to be Black and sexual?
Race and Sexuality: What does it mean to be a Black Woman and be sexual?
The first thing to address is the intersection of race and gender in relation to sexuality.
Black women are consistently depicted as strong, dominant and in control as a result of society viewing women as protectors, nurturers, and guides for men. In Black culture,
women are expected to put their children and spouse’s needs above their own in all cases. And to uphold this standard of being able to handle everything the world throws at them while being emotionally available and accessible for their spouse, whose main priority lies in being the sole financial provider. The expectations for Black women from society and within their own culture have created this stereotype of what it means to be a Black woman. This stereotype, however, does not coincide with what is expected sexually of Black women. As there are two expectations of women when it relates to sex and Black women are meant to be a combination of these two ideals.
The first expectation is the idea of women being the embodiment of motherhood. As I previously stated, women are nurturers and are expected to have this maternal outlook where they must hold positions within their household and outside the home as this
"caring, guiding force."
The second expectation is what I consider the “sexual goddess". Or the embodiment of sex appeal, women especially Black Women in recent media embody the idea of being sexual and embrace their sexuality and their bodies within the male gaze. Ironically this reinforces the idea that women are either meant to have babies or be viewed for sexual pleasure and nothing more.
Both expectations are unachievable, as women who decide not to have children or be single and sexually available per their own autonomy are viewed negatively. And women who encompass both ideals are expected to choose only one, as being both sexual and a mother figure is not viewed fondly. Black women face an even greater challenge with their sexuality, as they are confined to this narrative of the strong-willed maternal figure who is sexually alluring because they can handle anything and are in control. Ultimately this ideal is what leaves many expecting Black women to naturally be dominant figures.
Before this ideal of the Dominant Black women, Black girls were shamed and discouraged from being anything beyond studious, or “maternal”. They were held to high standards, if they had younger siblings they became a second maternal figure in a household. If they were older they were expected to move out and figure out their lives faster than their male counterparts. Black girls were made to grow up faster, mature quicker and as a result that meant only acknowledging the idea of sex or sexuality when it related to procreating and marriage.
If a black girl ever had a sexual thought or even considered relationships at a young age she was shunned and considered, “fast”, “slutty” etc.
This is where it becomes apparent that the idea of sexuality does not relate to Black women who are meant to be nurturers and providers from a young age. And that it only is viewed with negativity if it equates to self-pleasure and autonomy.
"If it's not to further the generational bloodline or encourage matrimony under God it’s not viewed with positivity. "
Black women as the dominant sexual figure only exist when it relates to them being so for someone else’s pleasure. Them having a semblance of control, and “guiding” someone is viewed as alluring because their maternal nature is desirable to men who desire both.
So now that we have an understanding of Black Women and Sexuality, what exactly does that have to do with race being a taboo topic for something that once was considered just as “taboo” as BDSM.
Race is one of the many intersectional identities that we see affected immensely by power dynamics. How we self identify plays a huge role in how we navigate different communities. And in the BDSM community race is one of the many identifiers that we see talked about in the context of i.e race play and fetishization but never fully addressed when it comes to the overall community.
Race and BDSM: Why don’t we talk about the Black sheep in the Dungeon?
Where are the Black people in BDSM?
Why is it so hard to find the representation of other races, ethnicities, and different backgrounds beyond White people?
Well, first there is a huge misconception about Black people not being into BDSM, which is why they aren’t as frequently shown or talked about in media. The idea stems from the fear of experimentation and sexual exploration in the Black community. But also the media that suggests Black people tend to have vanilla sex. And that anything kinky, is “White People shit”. Similar to how anything that isn’t stereotypically tied to Black people, for example, liking rock music or dressing alternative, are considered interests that are more geared to White people. This is a prospect that is more prominent within the Black community. That not following the social norm and expectation of Black culture is to “Not be Black.” Therefore all the kink enthusiasts and Black folx who are in the BDSM lifestyle are considered outliers within their own community.
There’s also the lack of awareness and views shown towards Black and Latinx folx who are influencers and are into BDSM. People like The Chocolate Domme LLC,_sungypsy_, itsroxyvail, etc. have been shadowbanned and consistently had to make multiple accounts on Instagram just to get their businesses out there. Many other Black influencers who are Sex Workers, Strippers, Camgirls, Cosplayer’s, Model’s, etc. are also Dominatrixes & Dommes’, and BDSM enthusiasts. They're constantly put at threat by Instagram and other Social Media platforms because their work isn’t deemed “friendly” or is deemed inappropriate by Instagram’s standards.
For these individuals, showing that they’re involved in the BDSM community can be a huge hindrance towards their profit and in some case’s limits and divides them from their audiences. Even when BDSM is considered apart of our mainstream culture it is still being flagged and taken down due to it being adult content and risky imagery. Some people have still maintained a negative view of BDSM to this day due to a lack of awareness and knowledge about it.
Overall, Black people have to fight just to show they exist in a rabbit hole that doesn’t want their voices heard. BDSM is one of the many spaces Black and Latinx folx have to show up for others like them in person like at munches and play events, on social media platforms like Instagram and Twitter, and in some cases through online blogs and forums. And to get more representation and awareness this has to become a talked about topic and addressed more frequently for action to be taken. For Black and Latinx folx to take up space in places they feel comfortable in, to demand attention and be able to showcase their interests, profit from their businesses and help other Black and Latinx folx who may feel lost or alone realize that the BDSM community is a lot bigger than they think and has a place for them.
Check out these amazing individuals:
Nye is a Black, Bisexual person who identifies as Non-Binary.
Pronouns: They/Them/
They're an avid Kink enthusiast, Sex Positive Writer, and a Mental Health Advocate.
Along with writing about
Intersectional identities in relation to
Sex, Relationships and Love, they also
run an account on Instagram called
Kink_Chronicles which addresses the multiple intersections of race, gender identity, sexuality and its impact on the BDSM lifestyle.